Tips To Help Your Child Cope With Your Diagnosis

Written by: Sydney Jones

Sydney is a junior at the University of North Carolina Wilmington majoring in Communication Studies with a focus on Integrated Marketing Communication. She is an intern with GBTP and the daughter of a breast cancer survivor.

A child’s innocence may shield them from the reality of what you are telling them when you say “I have breast cancer.” For some children, this statement may fly right over their heads. For others, this could be the most tragic news, but not for the reason that you may think. 

Now an adult, Sydney reflects on her 8yr old self learning about her mother’s breast cancer diagnosis.

From Left to Right: Sydney Jones, Diane Jones, and Devon Jones together two years after Diane’s original diagnosis.

When I was eight years old, my mother was diagnosed with stage three breast cancer that had spread to her lymph nodes. She sat my sister and I down at the kitchen table to tell us the news. When she told me, I didn’t hear that my mother had a scary disease, all I heard was that we couldn’t go to New Jersey to see our family for Thanksgiving and that I wouldn’t be able to take home the class turtle, Bubbles, for Christmas Break. I cried, threw tantrums, and couldn’t even look at my mom for days.

As a child, I didn’t understand why we had to stay home, all she had to do was go to the doctor right? Can’t she do that any time? I didn’t know what cancer was or how it was going to affect the next two years of my life. I certainly wasn’t thinking about how it was going to affect her life.

For many children, what matters most is what’s right in front of them, whether it’s a new toy, a piece of candy, or getting to play with their friends at school.

When you tell your child you have cancer, depending on their age and any prior experience they may have with someone who has a chronic illness, they may not really understand the significance of the diagnosis, at least not in a way that makes sense from their perspective. The way you tell them and how you present the changes in their life is important in really helping them understand and cope with the news. 

Things to think about when sharing your diagnosis with children…

Involve them in the Process as Much as Possible

For many children, simply telling them the news may not be effective. Try to be as honest with them as possible, rather than shielding them from the whole thing. I remember my mom letting me feel the lump that was in her breast. For me, this helped me to realize that there was something in there that she couldn’t fix herself, something that didn’t belong. She didn’t just have a cold that could go away with medicine. 

While not every case of breast cancer presents as a tumor, try to find some physical way to show your child what’s going on with your body. You could even show kid-friendly photos or diagrams. It may seem a bit extreme, but breasts are going to be a big topic in your household for a while, so early exposure to the anatomy of it all might help.

Involving your children may also mean finding ways to include them in the upcoming lifestyle changes. A big part of this for me was my grandma teaching me how to use the washing machine and dryer. Having a “big girl chore” made me feel useful while my mother was recovering from her surgery and it helped to take my mind off of how bad she was feeling. Plus, helping do chores she normally did was a tangible way I could help her get through treatment.

Value Your Child’s Input 

Letting your child feel like they have a choice can be very helpful in shaping their attitude about your diagnosis. This can be as simple as letting them pick what your family eats for dinner. Take a look at some of these kid-friendly recipes that they can make mostly by themselves. 

Another way to let them feel included could be letting them help you pick out a wig or head scarf. If they feel like their opinion is valued, it could be extremely helpful in allowing them to cope with all of the changes happening around them.  

Valuing their input could also help to make them feel that you care about their involvement. Try letting them feel your chemo port or help you put on a soothing lotion after a radiation treatment. Ask them what they think it feels or looks like. It could help them to feel like they have discovered something for you or become more familiar with exactly what is happening with your body. And, may ultimately help them become more aware of their own changing bodies, opening up a trusting dialogue between you and them about what can be an uncomfortable topic.

Empower them to Help in a Meaningful Way

One thing I wish I’d known in advance was how mom’s treatment day would wear her down and how that would affect me. I think having a distraction or a meaningful way to help her when she was feeling really sick would have helped me cope with the feelings of helplessness and confusion. 

As a kid, I didn’t understand why the treatment that was supposed to make her better was making her sick. And I really didn’t know what to do with that. Not to mention that I was surprised by how weak treatment made her feel. 

One way to help your child through these feelings is by distracting them with something positive. Maybe that means your treatment day becomes a “fun day” for your kiddo. You can arrange for them to play with friends, have a sleepover with a loved one or close family friend, or maybe that day becomes “ice cream sundae” day. 

Another approach would be to make sure your child understands that treatment to get rid of the cancer will make you look and feel sicker, but that means the treatment is working. You can then ask your child to help with chores you won’t be able to do while you are recovering from treatment. Giving them a job that makes life easier for you can be truly empowering for your kid. Some ideas include changing the bedding so you have clean sheets to rest on while recovering, or taking charge of all the laundry for the week. Maybe they can help plan and/or cook meals for the family, or come up with a list of movies for you to watch or books for you to read while you rest.

I was lucky that my grandma came to help while my mom was recovering and she urged me to do helpful chores that my mom couldn’t do. Learning to cook with my grandma not only grew our bond but helped me to feel like part of the team helping my mom through this hard time in her life.

Encourage Them To Be Confident In Their Breast Cancer Awareness

Breast cancer awareness means many things other than knowing what it is and that more needs to be done about it. For a child, it can mean identifying someone they know with breast cancer, wearing breast cancer apparel, or simply being able to talk about it confidently. Allowing your child to be aware and open about your diagnosis can establish a trust between you, and can make them feel like you have faith in their knowledge and opinions. 

Treating it as though it is important may help shape their opinion about your cancer. I remember having a pair of pink ribbon earrings. I wore them all the time, and when people asked me about them, I told them confidently “my mom has breast cancer”. I loved those earrings and having them made me feel like I knew what was going on with my mom, which made me feel better about the whole thing. 

Encouragement does not necessarily have to come from material items either. Teaching your child about the proper vocabulary, anatomy, and treatment terms to use can also help. I did not know what lymph nodes were when my mom was diagnosed, other than that the ones in my neck had been swollen once. I had no idea that there were more of them in the body, or that they could also “get cancer”. This early exposure to these topics could also lead to your child being more aware of their own body, and may encourage them to check for signs of cancer as they age. 

While none of these tips are a surefire way to predict or influence your child's reaction, they may help you to not feel like you are leaving your child in the dark about your diagnosis. Having these conversations WITH them rather than AT them can open the door to a stronger bond and trust between you and them. Most kids worship their parents (even if they don’t always show it) and don’t want to see you hurt. These techniques may be good ways to put you and your child at ease, and ultimately take one stressful item off of your very full plate.