What Children Need When a Parent Has Cancer
Written by Morgan VanBibber and Shy Villareal, undergraduate students at UNCW and Public Health interns at Going Beyond the Pink.
*Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links.
The health and physical functioning of children are often tied to the health of their parents. While this is relevant in many health conversations, it is especially important to cancer patients with young children who may suffer health-related impacts as a result of their parent’s cancer diagnosis. In 2011, it was estimated that nearly 2.85 million US children who were less than 18 years of age are living with at least one parent who has been diagnosed with cancer. Since then, the number has grown. Studies show that children of cancer patients and survivors are at an increased risk for problems with emotional, social, cognitive, behavioral, and physical functioning. Cancer diagnosis tends to “turn up the volume of what is already there” – commonly known as a stress pileup. Among stressors like financial and workplace stress, strained relationships, and obvious medical stress, parenting-related stress doesn’t disappear when a parent is diagnosed with cancer. In fact, the stress pileup means that all of these stressors are exacerbated.
If you are a parent, diagnosed with cancer, read on to learn more about what children need, and how to protect their health and wellbeing from the impacts of your diagnosis.
Safe, Reliable, and Compassionate Caregivers
You may have heard of the Four S’s of healthy attachment – Safe, Seen, Soothed, and Secured. They were identified as indicators for parents to form loving bonds with their children. But these indicators are also relevant to helping children navigate change. A loving environment where a child feels safe, seen, soothed, and secure provides the foundation needed to help children manage their emotional and physical health during a parent’s medical crisis.
Let’s take a moment to explore the Four S’s in more detail:
Safe: A child feels protected and safe within the relationship from events and responses that scare or hurt them.
Seen: Not only being seen with the eyes but more than that, perceiving deeply and empathetically with the child. Looking to the inner experience of the child that is underlying their behavior and emotions.
Soothed: Helping children deal with difficult emotions and situations. Providing physical and emotional comfort.
Secured: Security is key. A secure attachment increases the chance that a child will be more flexible, insightful, vital, and resilient.
Consistent Routines and Expectations
Your child is likely to feel more secure and empowered when they know what is expected of them. They may rely on set schedules to create the feeling of being in control of their daily lives. Ensuring children get the consistent routine and expectations they desire will allow them to know what to expect each day, which in turn, decreases rates of anxiety for your child. You may want to try crafting together an age-relevant, kid-friendly calendar that includes easy-to-read pictures and plans that can assist children to be in control of their everyday routines. Check out some of these calendars that would be more interactive for children to help them stick to their routines: https://amzn.to/3wNjpue, https://amzn.to/3cCedmi. https://amzn.to/3CQebla, and https://amzn.to/3efm8q1.
Creating a small, intimate, and consistent group of caregivers for your child, as part of a routine, can also lessen the sense of unpredictability associated with any change, including changes related to the treatment process for cancer patients. For example, if a grandparent drops your child off at school every morning it may be beneficial for that same grandparent to pick up your child when the school day is completed, and for this process to continue on a regular basis.
Although children thrive when they have a routine, you may want to consider adding new regimens to that routine to help reduce your child's stress levels. Incorporating daily gratitude, meditation, yoga, and after-dinner walks can help lower anxiety levels that may be caused by a parent’s diagnosis. Try gradually introducing new routine elements and talk with your child about how it makes them feel. Along with that, it is extremely important to not overschedule your child. This would allow them some extra time to play and spend more quality time with their loved ones at home.
Want an easy way to practice positivity? Invite gratitude and well-being into your life with short, daily writing prompts. Try this https://amzn.to/3AGzcfJ. Or check out this “Breathing Buddha” for guided visual meditation (adults and kids) to help daily stress and anxiety relief: https://amzn.to/3wQQcyB.
Open, Honest, Developmentally-Appropriate Communication
Using short, simple phrases while talking to your child about cancer is important. You can plan out your message and practice beforehand as well as incorporating common words your child is likely to overhear, like cancer, chemo, and radiation. Your child may need to hear that your cancer diagnosis is not their fault and that none of their behaviors, words, or thoughts had caused the cancer. When talking to your child about your cancer, try to avoid the word “sick”, because kids may compare cancer to something they can catch like the cold or the flu. You can encourage safe and open conversations by making aware that the child can ask you any questions they may have now, or later on if they are not currently ready to talk about the subject.
Also, consider being cautious about making promises to your child when the outcome isn’t something you can control. For instance, instead of promising that you are going to be fine, say “I promise I will never stop fighting.”
Consider Involving the School
Cancer can hit hard emotionally and affect many other aspects of their life, like school performance, social relationships, and changes in their behavior. Many changes in routine, expectations and family dynamics can also happen at home when a loved one has been diagnosed. Whatever those changes may be, involving the school can help the staff understand and respond better to the child’s needs and become an excellent social support system. Families should not feel obligated or forced to share such private information with the school, though. If there is hesitation to share with certain staff about what is going on, establishing trust and confidentiality with just one person like a counselor can help shift emotions more positively. Suppose there is comfort in sharing some information about your diagnosis. In that case, it can help the staff maintain normalcy for your child within the school like helping keep track of assignments, more attention towards the child, and monitoring behaviors.
Before communicating with the school, having a conversation with your child about what you and they want to be shared can help ease the distress. Not only do you get peace of mind about what information will be told, but it also allows a sense of security for your child in how to respond if there were to be conversations about the situation. This can be done by different role-playing scenarios and practicing the outcomes of those responses. You can then identify a trusted contact in the school, like a teacher, school counselor, or other member of the school community that you can trust with what you share. And don’t forget to update school emergency contacts to reflect those that may be helping with pick-ups, drop-offs or questions when you aren’t available. Need help notifying the school? Check out this sample letter to use as a communication tool: https://www.mghpact.org/assets/media/documents/MGH-Cancer-Educator-Toolkit.pdf.
A cancer diagnosis is not only hard on the individual with cancer, but also their children. It is important to identify the many ways to mitigate emotional hardships that might have an affect on the child’s everyday life, especially while in school.
For more information on this topic
Triage Cancer along with Bright Spot Network created a webinar, “Unpacking Cancer from the Backpack: How to help kids and teens thrive at school when a parent has cancer.” This webinar contained valuable information regarding what children need when a parent has cancer, whether it be at home or at school. You can check that out here: https://triagecancer.org/webinarreg-school.
Books
“The girl who had a big adventure - Cancer, chemo and cupcakes”: https://amzn.to/3Rc1lCa.
“Long live the queen: Help for children who have a loved one with cancer”: https://amzn.to/3q1axxk.
A child-friendly book that explains cancer, chemo, and radiation to kids in a non-scary way!: https://amzn.to/3wOetFw.
A child-friendly (ages 6-10) book that uses instructional tools to expose our youth to breast cancer and the realities of it: https://amzn.to/3RbFIlE.
This book is designed to help kids, including children with autism spectrum disorder or other additional needs, to understand what it means when someone in their life has cancer: https://amzn.to/3AGjJw1.
Downloadables
PDF for teens dealing with their loved ones being diagnosed with cancer:
https://www.cancer.gov/publications/patient-education/when-your-parent-has-cancer.pdf.
PDF with activities to help children cope when a family member has cancer:
Podcasts and Videos
Lillie Shockney shares her story about telling her daughter that she was diagnosed with breast cancer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BV9zkHLclSs.
Maria discusses her experience with talking to her children about her cancer diagnosis: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lOblx5NS_fg.
Podcast: On this episode of Frankly Speaking About Cancer we will explore this complicated conversation and offer tips for supporting your child through a cancer diagnosis and beyond: https://www.cancersupportcommunity.org/radio-show/what-do-i-tell-kids.
Also check out our other blogs on the topic:
Our Final Story: Charlotte: https://www.goingbeyondthepink.org/blog/charlotte?rq=kids.
Introducing Sarah: A young caregiver: https://www.goingbeyondthepink.org/blog/sarah?rq=kids.
Tips to help your child cope with your diagnosis: https://www.goingbeyondthepink.org/blog/tips-child-cope-cancer-diagnosis?rq=kids.